Do you worry about what people are thinking about you? Do you spend much of your day trying to affect how people perceive you? Do you spend money on expensive clothes, jewelry, cars, and handbags in hopes that you will appear wealthy and in step with the trends? Well, I have news for you: what others think of you is none of your business!
Even if someone happened to be impressed, what did it really get you? Does anyone’s good impression of you actually matter? Of course it matters that people think well of us. No one likes to be hated or gossiped about (unless you aspire to be a celebrity). But does that good opinion actually net you tangible benefits? Might others have thought well of you anyway if you’d just been yourself?
Olin Miller said it best, “You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.” I have found this to be the case. Most people are pretty self-obsessed, or self-centered, as many call it. They are too busy thinking about themselves to notice or care much about you. If you think about it, that’s pretty comforting, because most people, when obsessing about what others think of them, usually imagine the worst. They imagine that others are picking them apart and saying negative things to their friends. But in reality, since they aren’t actually paying attention to you, they can’t be thinking anything negative!
Now I know that under some circumstances, like at your job or in front of a judge, or it does matter what they think of you. But even in those cases, being yourself (which I’m assuming for 95% of the population is fairly decent) is probably a safer bet than all the effort it takes to “put it on”. When you “dance” to please or impress others, you not only get tired, but you also feel like a phony. And when you feel like a phony, you don’t feel worthy of good things happening to you. When you don’t feel worthy, you sabotage any good that comes your way and instead attract negative experiences and people into your life. (Not only that, but you resent the people you perceive are “making” you be that way.)
And being self-centered makes us act in some pretty unbecoming ways; have you ever scolded your kid or your husband because he was embarrassing you? You tried to make it about him and his behavior, but the bottom line was that you were afraid of how people would perceive you on account of his behavior. Or have you ever made sure your good deeds were noticed, so you could get the credit?
You may argue that the desire for social acceptance is an essential human quality that motivates social order and positive behavior. While this is true, the person who takes this human quality to the extreme with constant self-obsession and people-pleasing has a real problem on their hands; they live in fear and self-doubt, and have to contort themselves in their quest for approval. And living with such pain and stress usually results in addiction.
I have always said that if you give someone the power to make you feel good (with their praise), you also give them the power to make you feel bad (with their disapproval). You may surmise, “If the two cancel each other out, then wouldn’t it make sense to just be yourself?” Unfortunately, the compulsion to please doesn’t respond to logic. The need for approval stems from much deeper issues that usually originate in one’s childhood. These issues are the very thing we help people heal at The Nelson Center for Emotional Healing.
I learned this lesson the hard way. As an example of my own self-centeredness, there was a time when I carried boxes of chocolates and bottles of perfume in my car to give to people whose opinion of me I wanted to influence. I thought I was generous, but after hitting a wall and changing the course of my life I saw how my “gifts” were simply ways to get others to give me what I wanted: attention and approval. I felt so unworthy of people’s love that I thought I had to manipulate them to get it.
Living that way led me to a life of addiction and pain from morbid obesity, alcoholism, sex addiction, panic attacks, depression, and phobias. In order to heal that pain I had to get real.
Today I do my best to live according to what Spirit would have me be and do. We all have a “code of being” that is personal to us; what makes us feel good about ourselves and what makes us feel bad about ourselves. So often we are busy paying attention to others’ codes and philosophies that we don’t ask ourselves what our own code is. Your code is that still, small voice inside that makes you know what is right and what is wrong. Living by that code is enough and the only means by which you can truly gain your own approval and build solid self-esteem. When you have your own approval, you don’t need anyone else’s.
People typically either love me or they hate me. I take a firm stand for what I believe and I am able to do this because I am not attached to what others believe or think. Of course I prefer to be loved than hated, but at the end of the day what determines my self-worth is what I think, not what others think of me. And here’s a secret: the less you care what people think of you and instead strive to be your best, for your sake, the more people will be attracted to you.
I feel blessed to have a formula for showing people how to make peace with themselves so that they like who they are and really don’t mind either way if anyone else does. As a result, they become empowered and incredibly effective in all areas of their lives. And as a side benefit, their compulsions and obsessions are effortlessly healed.
To watch people break free from the chains of self-consciousness and the addiction to people-pleasing is a profoundly gratifying experience. When they commit to being real they experience a joy and peace that is unparalleled. I wish that joy and peace for you, my friend.